Mean Reds

You know those days when you’ve got the mean reds…. the blues are because you’re getting fat or maybe it’s been raining too long.   You’re sad, that’s all.   But the mean reds are horrible.   You’re afraid and you sweat like hell, but you don’t know what you’re afraid of.   Except something bad is going to happen, only you don’t know what it is.   ~Truman Capote, Breakfast at Tiffany’s, 1958, spoken by the character Holly Golightly

The mean reds in my head are fueled by anxiety. . . anxiety makes me do crazy things.  Disclaimer:  if you happen to do any of the following, I do not mean to imply that you are also crazy.  You might be, but that’s really none of my business.

I obsesses over little things.  I lay in bed at night and I feel pressured to write down the things I need to do, not like your normal “to do list” but things like “clean up” and “supper tomorrow.”  It’s highly unlikely that I’ll get up the next morning and not notice the dirty dishes or laundry or the sticky spot on kit floor that I step on every single time, because I’ve been thinking about them all day!!  Or that I’ll forget we need to eat when supper time rolls around.  Alright, that was ONE time.  Maybe two.  I imagine one of the boys would eventually point out they haven’t eaten and remind me, although they are both capable of finding some form of nourishment.  They know how to make toast and frozen pizza and will surely survive the night. 

I compulsively check my calendar and notes on my phones. . . like someone added something when I wasn’t looking?  Maybe I  need an assistant. 

I finish a task and immediately start thinking about when I will need to do it again.

I. MUST. MAKE. LISTS.  I have even gone so far as to include “check other to-do list” on my list.

I wish I could crawl out of my skin because I get that all-hyped-up-on-a-12-pack-of-Coke-and-a-carton-of-cigarettes feeling. 

Gosh, it’s fun being me!


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