Our lives used to be on a path. Sean had spent his entire adult life as a paramedic and had worked his way up at the fire department to lieutenant. He wanted to become a shift commander and possibly chief one day. He devoted much of his time to developing the HazMat team and training his co-workers. Sean was proud of his work there, and in the Army where he was considering attending school to become a Warrant Officer. I had worked for many years as an aide, a sub, a tutor, and a teacher from high school to special education and finally to first grade where I found a perfect fit. We had three children we were raising in a nice midwestern town–not too big, not too small. We attended their various activites and planned trips to see family in the summer and on Christmas vacation. We saw ourselves as the little old couple in a restaurant or waiting room, enjoying each other. While it may not have always been easy, there were bumps in the road, or clouds in the sky, we had a direction.
June 17, 2011
Of Paths and Sharks
Now, not so much. Instead, it feels more like this:
No arrows pointing the way, no land in sight, just hanging out in our life raft (which is uncomfortably small) getting sunburned and surviving shark attacks.
Where are we headed? When I started this, I used the term “new normal.” Well, it’s not new any more. And I’m not sure it’s normal. . . but it is what it is.
What the hell do we do with it?
Will I go back to work? What new opportunities will come to us? Volunteer work? Service organizations? Will we ever stop searching? Will my life become one of following Sean on his sporting trips and being his groupie? Will we live a quality life, appreciating each day for what it brings?
We need goals. We need something outside of this. I need to find direction in my life. I know that from here on out I will be taking care of Sean and assisting with his needs. But I need to know where I’m headed. I don’t like this uncertainty. I don’t know how to let go of what used to be and move forward. I can no longer live my life wishing things could go back the way they were. Where do we go from here?